40: Part One: Feel Good Drag

“Falling into ruin was a bit like falling in love: Both descents stripped you bare and left you as you were at your core. And both endings are equally painful.” 

― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

[NSFW [Sexual] CONTENT. Just a fair warning.. It's not bad, but it's enough. Haha.]

(Cartterrrrr. I think you already know.. But thank you, thank you, thank you. Once again, that scene. Never the same without you joining in the writing. You're amazing. )

Waking up next to Carter had Aria shell-shocked. He was still sleeping like a baby, but the moment her eyes had opened, she was wide awake. She stared at his arm that was casually laying across her stomach and her insides turned. 

The night before had not been what she was expecting.. To say the least. 

Everything blew up in a massive explosion and then fell together like the pieces of a very unlikely puzzle. It still seemed like a dream. 

They didn't do anything aside from kiss.. Even though it was very apparent that both of them wanted to.. 

There were unspoken questions in the air.. Things both of them knew needed to be talked about. 

The only thing was, it seemed easier to not talk about things.. To let the chips fall where they may.. The implicit was hanging on every second that passed by however. 

Something told her this could not end well.

Because..

Just when everything seems to be falling into place, it falls apart. 

----

"It's kind of boring here, don't you think? I feel like I should be up doing something."

Willow's amount of energy was reverbarating off of the walls, and it made Aria shrink farther down into the steamy water. 

"Willow! You need to learn how to relax!" Aria tugged on her ankle from where she stood, indicating that she should enter the water as well. 

"It was YOUR idea to come to the spa, Aria. I don't like just sitting still, you know this. It may be relaxing for you, but it's torture for me."

She stuck her bottom lip out reluctantly and slid into the water so gracefully she barely made a ripple. Aria rolled her eyes. 

Vampires.

Aria sighed. She noticed that Willow's eyes had never quite connected with hers since they had met up. She was avoiding any mention of Carter and when Aria tried to talk about him, Willow quickly changed the subject. It was grating on Aria's nerves in more ways than one. 

Mostly, it was scaring her. 

Willow had been adament about the two of them being together since they were kids. So the fact that she was acting like the two of them in a relationship would be akin to the plague was vaguely distressing.

She decided, now that Willow was seated next to her, completely attentive, to approach the conversation again.

"I'm really, truly happy Will. I feel like I could give this entire challenge up and just be with him.. I don't know to describe it.. Willow it's almost as if I lo-"

"Aria, Carter slept with Kora."

Willow said it quietly. She said it in a tone that dripped with the pity that she  felt.

Aria froze. She wasn't sure her ears had heard what she said right. She was looking for a reason that this wasn't going to work. She didn't deserve to be happy, so she must have twisted Willow's words into something they weren't.

"What?"

That was all she could manage. No other words could force their way through her lips because that was the one that was stuck on repeat. 

Willow shook her head a little. 

"He slept with her after graduation. My guess is out of spite. I just thought before you rushed into something with him that you should know everything. I have been rooting for you two as long as I can remember, but you have to know the entirety of the situation."

Aria put her hands behind her, lifting herself out of the pool of heated liquid. 

"I have to go."

Her whisper was almost silent, but she knew Willow heard her.

"Aria, I'm sorry. I just-"

Aria nodded. A small tilt of her head. 

"I understand."

---

The information revolved in Aria's mind. What was she even supposed to do? She had done so much in her life that was SO much worse than this tiny misjudgment. She could let this go. She had to. She finally knew how she felt. She wanted so much to just let Carter in and just be happy. 

She wanted to just forget this.

So, she pushed it as far into the recesses of her mind that she could. 

The only problem with that, is that it never works. It festers just underneath the surface like an unattended infection until it becomes so debilitating, it kills you. 

 Two days....

Aria spent two days and every waking moment with Carter. 

And she was HAPPY. Truly, unbelievably. She had never felt the way she did. She had never been this captivated.

The little cut that Willow had opened was barely noticable under all of the other things that she was feeling. 

But each minute that passed, it became more and more caustic.

She pushed it away, she ignored it. She smiled and she laughed and she kissed and she pretended. She held him like she had always wanted to. 

All she had ever wanted was this. 

However, as it has been said many times in fiction, poetry, and lyrical prose..

Ignoring things doesn't make them go away. Acting like your problems don't exist just makes them so much more damaging when they resurface.


“The thing about denial is that it doesn't feel like denial when it's going on.” 
― Georgina Kleege, Sight Unseen

---

Aria watched Carter unlock the door to her house with curious eyes. His suggestion that they leave the bar had been a sudden one. She didn't know if he was just bored or sick of hearing her drunken friends blather away about subjects he had less than zero interest in.

Or maybe it was a mixture of both.

Either way, she was happy to be away from the hazy, smoke choked atmosphere of the tiny bar they had stumbled across in Aperille and Abigail's google search.

She shivered in the night air, it seemed to be raining all the time lately and the most recent storm had passed by while they had been drinking, leaving the atmosphere acutely colder.

The door finally opened and she pushed past him, ready to not feel like she was going to freeze solid.

When the door clicked shut, her nerves set up a small flutter in the pit of her stomach. She was alone with him a lot lately.. But she still wasn't used to it. The butterflies seemed to be a permanent part of her now.
She also wasn't entirely sure she was making the right decision by still being here.. After Willow..

She pushed the thought away and took a deep breath.


"So why were you so adamant about leaving early? Were you really that annoyed with them?"

He grinned, reaching out to take her light sweater. It was rain dampened against his fingers as he slid the sleeves down her shoulder.

The whole five seconds of contact made Aria's pulse spike.

Geez, Aria. Calm down.

"They aren't annoying. I guess I just want you to myself tonight."

She was acutely aware of the way he kept looking at her. She knew what it meant by now. She didn't know how she had been so blind for the last.. she didn't even know how many years. She knew he wanted her to be with him in more ways than one. It was written in his body language and the way he touched her.

Especially the way he touched her.

Her thoughts bounced from that to the tension that had settled in the room.
The last two nights had driven them closer and closer to that point he kept saying he was never going to cross. Not yet. Not until this was over.
Aria just wanted it to be over just so she could be with him.. 

It was odd to think that.. To imagine giving up on this just to be with a guy. 

But it was Carter. 


And he was different..

Aria couldn't seem to read his implications as to why he wanted her to be alone with him. It almost seemed like he actually wanted more than this push and pull of strained touches and heavy kisses.

"Don't you want me to yourself every night? You won't even let me go home."

She felt heat in the pit of stomach. That pull that told her she wanted him.

And then that voice in the back of her mind that told her she couldn't have him.

His face went serious, except for a gleam in his eye. He stepped closer, his mouth close to her ear. Nothing but the sound of breathing, until:

"You can go home if that's what you want,"

He whispered, his lips morphing into a smirk before they kissed her neck, just below her ear. His hand slid to her waist, the smooth curve there.

He navigated her neck with kisses before his lips moved to hers. 

He pulled her close to him and a small sound escaped her lips. Almost like a sigh, but not quite. 

"No, I don't want that."

Her voice was soft, butterflies fading into a whirl of something she can't name. Desire maybe?


She pressed closer, her heart thumping erratically. This is what she had wanted for God knows how long, and she loved every second of it. 

Her mind continued to revolve in confusing cycles. The way he kissed her sent shivers down her spine, and she wanted him. Wanted to do more than kiss him.

She felt like she was coercing more than she should. 

Except the closer he got, the more she felt like maybe she was wrong.

She pushed him away, just a little, just long enough to catch her breath.

"Hey. Wh-what are we doing? You're pushing it a little you know.. You keep kissing me like that and I'm gonna go crazy."

He raised an eyebrow, her breathy words having little effect.

"Shh," He responded. It was almost a command.

As quickly as he said it, her lips closed, almost as if obeying on their own. 

He stepped towards her, closing the distance. But she took half a step back. He smirked, walking her backwards until she was caught against the door.

"Go crazy," He whispered, his fingers getting caught in the fabric of her shirt, tugging it aside. 

The moment the words left his mouth, Aria couldn't seem think straight.. Or anything at all.

He slowly fell to his knees, pressing kisses as he sank. 

His fingers pulled on the zipper of her skirt, his eyes touching hers and a smirk playing at the edges of his lips.

He was SO pushing it. The look in his eyes told her he definitely meant to.

He was playing with fire. White hot and a feeling that had been at the back of his mind for years..

After all this time could you really tell me no? Would you?

She dropped to her knees and pulled his face to hers, pressing him against her, kissing him with an intensity that she had never used with him before.

If he could could push his luck, so could she.

His hands left her hips, leaning forward and catching her between his arms, his hand flat against the door. He buried his face in her chest, her heartbeat next to his lips. 

He threw her a smirk and laid her back, pushing himself over her. 

The only thing that seemed to exist was fire. Heat. Nothing but that flame that always seemed to linger between the two of them.

The shivers, the connection, the desire. It was all so obvious. She felt it in every breath he took, every point of impact where his skin was next to hers.

She would do anything just to finally give into whatever this was between them..

She didn't deserve him, she knew that. 

He was always the good one. The one whose choices always made sense. He needed more She could show him. More than she could give him.

But she was selfish. When it came to him she always would be. She was willing to take whatever he gave her because she cared about him more than anyone in existence.

No one else would ever matter if I could just be with you.

Maybe I could give it all up, everything. Just be done.

Stop and give you everything I have left to give.

I could..

There was something in his  eyes that made her want to..

But there was that thought.. The one that she kept pushing away..

She could feel his heart racing. See his eyes cloudy with want.

She knew he was going to see her as a mistake. That this was a mistake.

But she didn't care.

She wanted to make him hers, finally. Like she should have done a long time ago.

She kissed him, hard, and it took everything she possessed not to rush him into this, but her willpower was wavering.

He hesitated, his eyes locking onto hers. She wondered what he was waiting for. 

There was no way she was going to stop him. No way that she was going to utter a single syllable against this. Her entire body ached with the desperation his touch generated.

This has to be it. You have never went anywhere near this far. I slept next to you and you never tried anything near where we are now. 

She kissed him back when his lips settled on hers, but he pulled them away faster than she anticipated, and it left hers burning with need.

For just a second, she thought he was going to finally give her what she wanted. Finally show her exactly what he could do.

And he did, just not in the way she expected.

Her pulse snapped like firecrackers and her hands shook as she tugged on his hair, making him look at her. She pulled on his shoulder and brought his lips, once again, to hers.

There was no going back now. There couldn't be. Despite what he had said, they were going to do this.

She was finally going to have the one man in the world that she truly wanted.

He tugged off his shirt, tossing it aside, the light in the room dimming. He kissed her, his hands trailing downward and Aria reacted exactly to his touches as he intended for her to, bending to his will and giving him whatever he wanted. His touch was intoxicating and pulled a heaviness into her heart that was indescribable. 

The feeling hurt, but it was a gratifying pain.

It was something She had been fighting not to put into words for a very long time.

Something she continuously denied herself time and time again.

That she was in love with him... 

"You," He breathed, pressing even closer than he had been.

"You are so amazing, Aria."

The feeling intensified at his words. It almost felt like it could rupture, it teetered on the edge and her lips formed the words. She could taste them. She knew now was the time she should speak up, She should admit it.

If I can give you anything, I can give you that.

He held her eyes, something lingering there in those never-ending pools of green. 

"Carter.." 

"I'm so glad you're done with the challenge," 

Aria heard the zipper descend and those words leave his mouth..

And time froze.

Everything vanished and was replaced with that feeling she kept trying to extinguish.

She shook her head, just slightly, trying to clear out that single stupid thought that was threatening to ruin this for her. She hoped that maybe he wouldn't see it. They could just continue.

She could have him.

But the look in his eyes told her with dead certainty, that he noticed.

"What?" He said, his eyes growing confused.

"You're not done with it, are you."

It wasn't a question. 

He nodded, wordlessly, standing up. He refastened his jeans and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry, Aria, I can't do this."

---
No matter how much she didn't want it to, the morning came and reality dawned bright and   arduous. 

"I'm leaving for a couple of weeks,"

Aria's eyes strayed away towards the wall. She could feel the unease and rejection in the pit of her stomach, and it made her heart feel heavy. 

"Where are you going?"

Aria looked up at him and that pull that was always there hit her full force and she swallowed, her throat thick with all of the misconceptions she was begging to explain. 

Not going to happen.

Space is what she needed.

"Bridgeport. I will be back after Axil's wedding."

Carter took her wrist and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her lips. 

"Okay, Aria. I have to work that night, so I won't make it. Can you tell Axil that I apologize and I will make it up to him?"

Aria nodded, his touch silencing her with electricity as it always did. 

This time it was tainted with that ache in her chest.

She turned to go, but he placed a hand on her shoulder and his eyes flickered with some unknown words he couldn't say.

"I'll miss you A, stay safe."

She smiled weakly.

"I'll miss you too. Always."



A few hours later, Aria watched the plane touch down, her heart sinking as it did. This goodbye felt so much more definite somehow.

Why was she running away when she could just talk to him about all of this? 

Running away is easier. 


Was this over before
Before it ever began
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devil's got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devil's in your hands