Yes, terrible things happen, but sometimes those terrible things-- They save you.


-- Chuck Palahniuk

Friday, June 21, 2013

41- Sinematic: Part Two

“I hated myself for needing him at such times, for craving his strength whenever I felt upset.” 
― Kathy ReichsDéjà Dead



[This is a 4 part split chapter with Aria's sister, Mila. Part one can be found here:Sinematic: Part One
and I will link you to Part Three when it is posted at the bottom of this post :D]

(Carter, goes without saying, thank you. Still saying it though. Last scene. All yours. <3 )

(Babies! Been a while, eh? But, You know. This is still a baby challenge ;) )
Macayla and Owen



Kristina, Dante, Madeline.

----

People underestimate the power of a broken heart, a broken spirit. They seem to think that if there isn't the presence of tears, if the affected person isn't visibly shattered, that the damage isn't extensive.

The truth was, Aria was irreparable. 

The fact that she could hide it in a downward spiral of alcohol and distance was her last ditch effort to save herself.

It just wasn't working. At all.

Her outward fallacy of strength, stitched together tightly with 'I'm okay' and 'It'll be fine', was only hiding the chaos that was eating her alive on the inside.

She wondered when the moment would come that she would dissolve and everyone would see how defective she really was.


---


Aria slid the shot glass towards her from across the glass surface, bringing it to her lips. It didn't even burn anymore. One shot. Two more. Another. It was kind of like a game. How many shots could she take before she forgot why she was drinking in the first place?

Not that she could ever forget him.. Or what had happened. But fuck did she try.

The sound of tires softly falling on the pavement outside and the metal connecting with metal as a car door slammed shut brought Aria out of her reverie.

Mila. Finally.

Aria pulled her game face on, quickly putting the bottle and shot glass on the counter of the hotel room and heading outside.

She squealed brightly, throwing herself into Mila's arms and knocking her luggage to the ground.

"You started without me bitch!" She teased. 

Aria grinned, playing her ditzy roll just as she always did. She forced that beautiful smile and made those eyes shine as bright as she could. She speculated if Mila knew just how much she was hurting on the inside.

-----
The wedding was beautiful. Aria and Mila filled the role of bridesmaid with lots of champagne and laughing. Aria almost forgot why she was sad for a couple of hours. But just like it always did, reality smacked her in the face about halfway through the reception and she backed away from everyone, sinking into a corner with the company of Jack Daniels.


Aria was so drunk she could barely see. Mila and her had drank throughout the entire wedding and the reception. Was it a good choice? No. But did it take the pain away? It did. For now..

Aria clinked the glass of scotch back onto the bar's smooth surface, tracing her finger along the rim. She had lost track of everyone she knew in the reception hall. Focused on drinking. Focused on getting lost in a sensation other than overwhelming loss.

"Why is a pretty little thing like you sitting at the bar all alone?"

The voice was smooth, echoing through Aria's skull with the pull of a skilled radio announcer. She scoffed, looking up at the guy she presumed was just another skeeze. When her eyes fell on his, she halted. He looked familiar. Almost too familiar.

Her eyes fell from his red hair to his ice blue eyes and then she looked back down at her drink. Sure, he was attractive, but her heart was still tripping over Carter with every breath she took. It wasn't like she was planning on continuing her challenge anymore anyway.

He would come around, right?

The doubt swirled in her stomach.

No, Aria. He is done. Done is final. It's over. Stop clinging to that stupid last shred of hope that you are breathing in. 

Aria realized that she still hadn't answered. She looked back up at the guy, who cocked his head to the side, amusement in his irises. 

"You okay?"

She rolled her eyes. 

"I don't even know you. Why would you care?"

He took a seat next to her, and she groaned. She totally wasn't in the mood for Mr. Smooth Moves over here.

"Well, you seem pretty sad, maybe I can cheer you up? Start talking. I can at least listen."

Aria raised an eyebrow. 

"Seriously? It's a sob story. I really don't think you want to hear it."

He smirked. 

"I got time... besides," He motioned at the bartender, and then at Aria's drink, and the guy slid him a duplicate. "I can always just stare into those beautiful eyes."

She gave him a death stare. Yeah, he was sweet.. But Aria was only interested in one person. And the fact that this guy was pulling out every compliment in the book was going to get very irritating, very fast.

"You know I am not looking for a hook up right? I am not interested in you."

She stated, pointedly. His smirk widened. 

"Now, Pink Eyes, I never said anything about sex, did I? The fact that your mind went there tells me that you have implications that state otherwise behind your words that say 'no'."

Aria scowled. 

"Look, Mr. Vampire-"

"Discord."

"What EVER. But I seriously am not going to play this game if you think the ending is me being underneath you, naked."

If his smile got any wider, it would cover half of his face.

"You could always be naked on top of me."

Aria sighed, standing, licking the rest of her drink from her lips.

"Alright, well, you can flirt with the bartender, cause I'm done here." 

She turned to walk away, but she didn't make it three steps before she felt a cold grip on her wrist.

His eyes went from cocky to serious and kind in an instant.

"No, I'm sorry. I was kidding. I want to hear what's going on with you. You seem to be nursing quite a broken heart."

Aria took two steps backward suddenly, as if influenced into it and sat back on the barstool next to Discord. 

What an odd name..

She sighed. She looked up at the bartender, who gave her another drink. She had probably had enough. But she was past the point of caring. 

"I don't even know where to start... I guess we could start with the fact that I have been in love with him since I was 14 and he didn't even give me the chance to tell him that.."

She launched into the story, pouring her heart out to this man, without the slightest idea as to why she was doing so. She covered each piece with a new glass of the acidic liquid she was so accustomed to submerging herself in. 

When she finished, her words were pretty much a mess, as was she. She stared at the chipped surface of the bar, drained. Her heart empty and her mind pushing in a thousand different directions at once. She looked up at the guy, who had been listening with what seemed to be rapt attention.

He hadn't really spoken since she started. Aria was suddenly filled with apprehension.. Why had she just done that? Why had she told a complete stranger that she was in love with Carter when she couldn't even tell him herself?

It had been so easy to tell this guy, the only person she had ever told.. 

Why couldn't it have been just as easy to tell the object of her adulation?

"You know what I think, Aria?"

He interrupted her reflection and she looked up at him, her eyesight foggy.

"Mmmm?"

"I think that you deserve better than that.. And if this guy truly cared about you, he wouldn't have left you behind. He sounds like a selfish, insolent fool."

He put a hand on her knee and her eyes snapped downwards, staring at the point of contact.

"I also think that he doesn't love you, because you don't do things like that to people you claim to care about."

Aria's eyes clicked from his hand on her knee to his ice blue irises. Her stomach did a flip and she could feel his words sinking into the part of her mind that was still smothered in doubt. That piece of her that had already been wondering if he was lying. If everything he said was brazen deceit.

Maybe.... Maybe this guy was right. Maybe she was an idiot.

"Hey, you two, the bar is about to close. Everyone is gone. You two gotta get out of here."

The bartender's voice startled Aria a little, but she stood, swaying a little on her feet. She took a step and Discord's arm found its way around her waist, steadying her.

His lips were at her ear in an instant. 

"Do you want to continue this in my room?"

Aria's brain went haywire.

Did she? What about Carter? Didn't he love her? Didn't she love him? 

Maybe.... But what if this guy was right? What if he had a point? What if Carter just lied to her? 

What kind of person sleeps with the girl they claim to love and then runs away like a coward?

Aria looked up at him, her vision spinning. She was full of hesitation. Doubt. She thought once more back to that night at Aperille's house and one word floated to the surface of her mind.

....Done.

She nodded at Discord with a small smile. 

"Yeah, let's go."

---

"A, have I ever told you why I broke up with Rebecca?" 

The summer air blew the across the trampoline she and Carter were laying on and the smell of chlorine and charcoal was so strong it was dizzying. Junior year was over. They only had one year left of high school, and then they were out of this town. Aria wondered about her future all the time. 

Mostly if he was going to be in it. She hardly ever saw him anymore. He had been so busy that days like this were far too few. She pushed up on her elbows and looked at him, her hair fluttering in the breeze. She raised an eyebrow.

"Whoa, Carter, are we getting teenage girl deep here?" She grinned and he rolled his eyes, pushing one of her elbows from underneath her so she fell back onto the trampoline. 

"No," He chuckled as she scowled, righting herself again. "It's just, when we were together, she was never really honest. I couldn't believe a goddamn word she said. Not to mention that she hesitated with everything she did. It drove me insane. Is it that hard to stick to a decision. To not doubt something?"

He looked over at her, and she shrugged. 

"It can be. I mean, you have to think about it from her point of view. Sometimes love isn't as easy for both parties involved. Sometimes one of them doesn't know right away."

He frowned. 

"I think that if you love somebody, it should be as easy as that. You love them. Don't be a fucking coward and deny it. Own up to it."

He trailed off and his eyes traced away from her and into the afternoon sky, dancing with the summer heat.

"Not to mention Aria, I didn't even say anything like that. I didn't love her."

He looked back at her and she blushed, biting her lip.

"I misread your words. And apparently your actions. Sorry."

He shook his head.

"Don't be. I get it. It probably looked like I loved her. But I didn't. She really wasn't worth my time in the end. Just a mistake."

Aria scoffed.

"Like you make mistakes."

His brow furrowed. 

"Just cause I have morals doesn't mean I don't make mistakes like everyone else, A. You assume my ethics are exorbitant. I have weaknesses too."

He sighed. 

"Well I have one in particular.."

She smirked.

"Your incessant need to sleep with redheads?"

He pushed her arm out from under her again and she laughed.

"Nah, my incessant need to protect my best friend from her stupid decisions."

She inhaled sharply, refusing to get back up on her elbows again. She looked over at him, her eyes soft.

"You don't have to protect me, Carter."

He nodded.

"I know, but I'm still going to."

----
Aria ran a hand through her hair, tears trailing down her face and a shot glass in her hand. The guilt was insurmountable. She leaned her free hand against the railing of the balcony, taking a deep breath of the cool, misty air. She was an idiot. 

Time and time and time again she was learning that she was nothing more than what Carter always told her she was.

A noise behind her caused alarm to shoot through her veins, and she turned to see Discord standing there. His face no longer wore the kind expression it had. It was rock hard and cold now. She knew he was feigning the niceness. She was just... Aria.

"What are you still doing here?" He asked, his tone emotionless.

She sighed, emptying the rest of the shot glass and handing it to him as she walked by. 

"I'm leaving."

His voice almost shone with the smirk that covered his features.

"I can see why this guy didn't want you. Look how easy you were."

Aria sighed, slipping her shoes on.

"Trust me, I already know."

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, the guys surprised look almost amusing her. Apparently he thought his words would hurt her. 

No, sorry, you can't hurt someone with the actuality they are already aware of.

She shut the door behind her quietly, staring off towards the room she was sharing with Mila. She crossed the hall, opening their door, taking off her shoes and sliding in the sheets next to her sister, who was sleeping peacefully. She buried her face in the mess of her black and orange hair and cried herself into dreams, thankful she didn't wake up.

-----
Home from Bridgeport, back in Riverview. Things were tense. Carter was just a ghost she could barely remember. She had Discord's babies. Triplets. Babies 88, 89 and 90, named Salem, Nikolas and Topher.

Carter didn't know. She didn't even know if he would care at this point. 

She floated through her only day she had been back and lied her way through her birthday, she just wanted to get back to her own safety net of her home and her challenge.. Which only had ten babies left now. What the hell was next.

The night of her birthday party changed everything.



"Aria, it's me,"  

Carter's voice startled Aria from her camp out in the corner. She and the other guests were playing Assassin. And so far she hadn't been caught or even seen. She almost jumped out of her skin at his words.  She honestly felt her heart pick up ten notches. The increase in its beat made her ears throb from the blood flow.

His voice pulled her heart in that distinct way only his voice could.

"Happy birthday," He said, reaching in his pocket.

He handed her a cd and she reached out a shaky hand to take it. Anberlin. A band that reminded her of him. Of course.

"I think they're your style," He said, a smile barely visible in the dark.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"I had given up hope that you were even going to show up." 

She looked back up at his face, shrouded in darkness and she almost just wanted to kiss him. Just let everything go. Pretend last week never happened. The wedding never happened.

But it did.

And he didn't want her.

She leaned back against the wall and stared at the cement floor.

"Thank you." She whispered, her tone heartsick. She just wanted him to go now.

Done was supposed to mean done.


"I didn't want to miss your birthday," He started, a smile pulling at his lips again. 

"So..."

"I just wanted to let you know that I won't bug you any more. I know we've kind of... uh, been back and forth. I guess enough is enough at some point."

His laugh is dry, forced. Monotone. Aria instantly went cold.

"But I didn't wanna leave without saying good bye."

A pause.

"And that what I said I meant. That I do love you." 

He nodded.

"Okay," 

His words were like daggers. She could feel them pierce into that tiny piece of hope she had left. Tearing it, stretching it past the point of being salvaged.

Now it was bleeding.

Was he really fucking doing this? She hadn't done ANYTHING. 

I was in love with you and you were walking away /again/. Would you ever stay? Would you ever be a fucking man and face me the way that you should?

No. No you wouldn't. Because you are a coward. I used to think it was me. But it's not. It's you. You are nothing but a fool. And you are letting me down. Again.

As you always will.

"You don't fucking love me."

It was her only reply. And she truly couldn't believe her own ignorance.

She wondered if he heard her. Probably not. He didn't know how to listen to anything but his own internal musings.

She pulled the top of the Nerf gun back, the weapon in this silly game, settling the tiny styrofoam bullets into position. She aimed at his back, pulling the trigger three times.

Counting him out of the game. Out of her party.

Out of her fucking life.

"Goodbye, Carter."

And he was gone.



Macayla and Owen <3


You never said you'd hurt me
Now this is all that we have left
You were supposed to save me
From myself

You said you'd never love me
But look how hard someone can fall
I was supposed to save you
From yourself

Saturday, June 15, 2013

40-Part Two: Until The Day I Die

“It's shocking the things we call love.” 
― Deb CalettiThe Secret Life of Prince Charming


[Another NSFW warningggg. Again, not bad, but enough :P]
(As always, Carter, thank you. AGAIN. Always. You're so incredibly talented and writing with you blows me away.

With that, -woosh- We begin...)



The plane arrived in Bridgeport and Aria felt a mixture of feelings she couldn't really describe.. She missed Carter more than she could explain. She needed to get away though, clear her head. Every piece of her longed to return to Riverview and to him.. But she had things to figure out before that could happen.

Aperille met her at the airport, instructing Rich to place her bags in the trunk of their SUV. She was all smiles and excitement and it was almost overwhelming. As happy as Aria was to be there, she was also falling apart inside. 

"You ready for two weeks away from that boring little town you call home?"

Aperille asked with a wink.

Aria pulled a perfectly constructed smile onto her lips and nodded. 

"Completely."

---

Aria was seated on Aperille's chair, her legs crossed, leaning into her hand, mindlessly staring at the tv. 

She couldn't seem to get her head on straight, everything was so confusing and she couldn't make a decision to save her life. The thoughts of Kora spun so quickly into each and every other thing that she felt that she basically felt like an inconsistent chaos.

She heard a noise behind her and she turned quickly, startled from her thoughts. 

Aperille had a look on her face that said something was wrong. She smiled apologetically and approached Aria, taking a seat next to her.

"What?" 

Aria asked, her tone a little sharp. She didn't mean to be biting , but her emotions were all over the place, and it just came out that way.

"Well, Aria... There is this girl... She is posting all over yours and-" 

She looked away, seemingly trying to put the way she was going to tell her this into words.

"She keeps talking about vampires, and mind control and.. making jokes about it."

Aria's stomach dropped. The world sharply revolved and righted itself in a mindnumbing cycle. Her vision went shady and she almost lost it, the hours she spent with Corbin flashing through her mind. She bit the inside of her cheek, the coppery taste of blood hitting her tongue. 

She blinked, looking back up at Aperille from her fixation on the carpeting. 

Her voice was dry and it cracked upon sounding.­

"Who is she?"

Aperille bit her lip.

" Aria, I think this chick is moving in on your territory. I haven't seen so much shameless flirting since Amanda Bynes said she wanted Drake to murder her vagina on Twitter."

She sighed, a slightly amused look in her eyes.

Aria snorted. Aperille always knew how to lighten the mood. Regardless, she pulled out her phone, scrolling through all of the damage. 

Facebook drama. Post after post of bullshit.

This Marie girl just didn't quit...

She didn't even want to get involved. The entire thing was stupid and immature. The situation was completely beneath her.

She settled on a single sentence, something to stop the tidal wave from drowning everything in its reach.

Aria quickly posted her response, trying to stop it before it started. 

Only, everything slowly escalated from there.

Marie blew everything to pieces in under an hour, not only bringing up things she had no way of knowing, but being very open about the fact that she had been with Carter.. She didn't specify in what way.. But all Aria could do was assume.

 And Carter was nowhere to be found. 

Internet drama. Fun. 

But it wasn't like she could take care of any of this in person when he was three hours away, safely nestled into his house. Not paying any of this a bit of attention.

Despite how they had left things, Aria was very disquieted with the fact that he didn't stand up for her. Say something, anything. Especially with the fact that Corbin was brought up.

Where the fuck was he? Was she really that unimportant now that she was gone? Was that how things were going to be?

Did he really find someone else that quickly? Was it that easy to just replace her?

She burrowed herself into the back of the chair, holding in tears.

Always holding in tears..

 It was kind of like the world was slowly closing in. Her heart felt like it was suffocating in that stupid feeling. That same slow, bizarre drown. The fact that this girl knew all of these things about her.. The fact that she would actually put them out there for public knowledge and act like it was okay to drop to such callous levels astounded her.

The buzz of her phone on the seat next to her surprised her. Carter's name popping on the screen only furthered the confusion.

She couldn't help but feel like one of her friends forced him into this

It's not like he wanted to actually speak to her. After the other night, why would he?
She slid her thumb across the screen and the line clicked on.

"What do you want, Carter?" 

She asked with a sigh.

"Just wanted to see what's going on... Lilac texted me saying you were upset. But if you don't wanna talk to me, I get it."

Lilac.. I knew that was the only reason that you're on the other end of this phone call. 

"It's not that i don't want to talk to you.."


Her thoughts shattered, and she couldn't  exactly put her finger on the one that made this so much harder than it should be. He was her best friend, this phone call should have been like the hundreds of others they had had since they had known each other.

But things were different now...

They would probably always be different.

"So you like this Marie girl?"

She stood, making her way towards the bedroom where she had been staying.

He paused, which made Aria wonder exactly where his thoughts went.

"I guess. She was alright. Pretty good at Halo for a chick. But are you talking in middle school vernacular right now? Because I don't 'like like' her, A."

Another invoiced pause.

"Is this about the other night? Because it's not that I didn't want... that."

What isn't obvious is why he just let this girl say whatever she wanted. Let her tear apart the finely threaded walls Aria had so carefully began to build since everything with Corbin happened.

Aria really hoped she was assuming things.. That he didn't see any of  it. That he didn't purposely let her say those things and still act like she was a decent person. That he didn't sit idly by and say nothing when this girl was making rape a joke.

"I'm not 12.. And why would I care if you like her? I am obviously not good enough for you, remember. You pretty much proved that to me."

Her tone ascended into short, clipped speech.

"And I am pretty sure if you wanted to sleep with her, there is nothing I could do about it."

Aria wished she could see his face. Read his reactions.. Look into his eyes and see what was reflected there as she poured how she felt little by little into his ears.

"Aria," 

Another aggravating pause.

"Aria, I don't want to sleep with anyone but you. And it's not a question as to whether or not you're good enough for me, A. Because, guess what? You're the only one who is good enough for me. What I can't figure out is why the fuck you can't see that? And why you can't let everyone else because, Aria, there is someone over here who would do anything to love you."

His tone rose a little as he finished.

"Anything..."

The inflection in his voice as it rose and fell tried to convince her that he was being honest. That he would never do the things she had well past convinced herself that he would.. He was always the good guy. ALWAYS. 

There was no room for Aria in his collection of perfect things.
And she wanted to believe him. Everything she was made up of, every fiber of her pathetic little being wanted to believe that he meant every single word.
But she didn't. She didn't believe him. She couldn't let herself. 

You're just going to hurt me like everyone else has.

"Then why, why did you walk away? Why did you say no?"

"Look,"
He sighed.

 "You hesitated. And I don't want you to hesitate with me..."

He trailed off and Aria bit her lip, waiting for him to continue.

"I'm sure about you. Just kinda want you to be sure about me too... But you weren't, so. So I respect that."

She hadn't told him why she hesitated. She hadn't breathed one word of what happened with Willow at the spa.. He had no idea that she knew.

Among her many flaws, one has never occurred such as that. She had never sunk to a level that personally hurt him on a much deeper level than just sex. He took someone that had personally destroyed her and put her at a level he refused to let Aria go.

You can't begin to know how that feels. How I feel.

How much it hurt in ways it shouldn't. Because she shouldn't care.
But she did.. 

And I always fucking will.

"I was sure about you Carter.. From the moment you kissed me, I knew. "

She sat on the edge of Wynter's bed, her hand that wasn't containing the phone, pressed against her forehead.

"That was until I found out about Kora."

She let the phone slide from her hand and onto the bed, not bothering to press end. She wondered how long it took the line to disconnect.
-----

"I have absolutely no faith in myself at this point." 

Aria's eyes were glossy, her voice compacted with emotion. Aperille gave her a sympathetic look, placing her hand on Aria's knee. 

"It was just a kiss. All things considered, I think the way you are handling things is admirable. You're in love with him, Aria... Everyone can see it."

Aria sharply inhaled, shaking her head, tears flowing softly into the mess of her hair. 

"No, no I don't Aperille."

Aperille sighed, squeezing her into a hug. 

"You can keep saying that, but I am not stupid. I can see it written all over your face. I mean, Aria, you're crying because you /kissed/ someone else. Do you really think you would care this much if he was just your friend, as you say?"


Aria drew in a shaky breath, her pulse tempering from her chest into her wrists with a bit more force than usual. She felt guilty. 

And the thing about guilt.. Is that it consumes.

It was just one kiss. Nothing more. She went into hanging out with her friend Joshua, planning on just that. Hanging out with a friend. 

Except, Aria was quite the escapist.. With a long time crush. So she kissed him. 

It wasn't a bad kiss. In fact, it was pretty much mindblowing.

But it wasn't Carter. It wasn't the same. He was the only person she truly wanted to connect with on any level of that capacity. 

A week passed. She didn't say a word to Carter. Nothing. Not a text, a message, another phone call. 

Joshua's words echoed through her head, as they had been, on repeat, for days.

"I never said it was easy, just that you need to try. If you're willing to give all this up for him, tell him that part is easy. But if you are trying to see it through and you want him to still be there, then tell him and that's the part that gets hard. You can't ask someone to make that choice with you, but if he's going to be there, then give him the option to be."

She wanted to be done. She was ready to give up, get through this wedding, and her birthday and just go back to Riverview, finish her challenge and move on. She just wanted to be happy. Carter used to be what she thought true happiness was.. Now she wasn't so sure.

----


Pretty simple, really. Meet, talk, separate. 


It should be an easy enough disconnect. 


It should be effortless to listen to what Carter had to say and then let all of this go. 


It should be.. Right?


Carter was on his way to see her.. Why, she wasn't so sure. All he had said was that he had unfinished business and it needed to be taken care of in person. 


Which could be taken in a lot of ways..



He was staying the night in a hotel and coming to see her the next day.

This was the last time she was letting her walls down.. If he hurt her this time, she was done.


For good...



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did.” 
― Jonathan Safran FoerExtremely Loud and Incredibly Close





Aria tucked her feet underneath her, pulling the duvet that Aperille had draped over the side of her couch over her legs. It was more of a nervous thing than being cold. Cause it wasn't cold. Not even a little.

But she was shaking.

She still wasn't sure what she expected. What it was that she saw him saying.
But she did expect to let him go. Let him go back to whatever makes him happy. Because she knew, for once, that it wasn't her.

Of that she was sure.

She was still in shock that he was even coming to Bridgeport.

 But that was Carter, always having to prove a point.

She heard a knock on the door and her heart instantly stuttered. Something She was slowly learning to control.


Trying to..

She pulled the door open and the minute her eyes fell on his, she almost lost her resolve.. 

But she knew better.


No matter what my heart tries to say, I have to let you go.

"Hey,"


She stepped aside so he could cross the threshold.

Here we go again.

He held his hand out, as if Aria should shake it once he was inside the room. She stared at him, confused, for a second before he pulled her into a hug, an awkward laugh in his resonance.


"Hey,"


He paused, looking around. The chloric past hanging in thick waves inside the room. 

"Are you doing any better, A?" 

It's awkward. It shouldn't be awkward.They never officially became lovers. They didn't break up.. They just fought. Like they always did.

It seemed different now, like THEY were different.

She crossed her arms over her chest as he pulled away.

"Depends on your definition of better, Carter."

She looked at his shoes, because it seemed too brazen to actually look into his eyes. Like she would see the disgust.. Or ill-favor there.

"Did you even miss me? Or wonder how I was doing.. I know that phone call sucked, and I'm sorry. But I needed you.."

She instantly regretted saying that..
There I go, letting you in again.

Stupid.

His face pulled downward, a scowl taking the place of his dead-set expression.

"If you need me, why did you let the call drop?"

His question hovered in the air.

"I mean, of course I missed you. I..."


The crease between his brow intensified as he stepped toward her, his hand holding her arm.


"I always miss you."

That stupid phone call had probably replayed in her head a hundred times.. She still wasn't even one hundred percent sure why she hadn't just talked to him the moment she found out.

The thought that she could just pretend it never happened, that she was just as oblivious as she had been before Willow told her.. It was too easy to do that instead.

She wondered how many times they had both chosen that option..

The easy way out.

Which prompted her to think.. Maybe that was what she was attempting to do again.

"I missed you too. I-"

His grip surprised and silenced her simultaneously.

I want you to miss me. I want you to want to be around me. Part of me even wants you to love me.. But I just can't let you.

And she couldn't believe him because every time she did, they fell apart again.
It took her a second to regain her voice.

"I just.. I wish you would stop saying those things. Every single time that you do it hurts more when you turn your back on me."

"Aria," He whispered.

"Aria, I am sorry. I regret making you feel alone. I just want to make you okay. I want you to be..."

A very hesitant pause.

"I want you," He restated, 

"And you hung up, but if you had listened to the rest of my phone call you would know that I want you because I love you..."

He looked into her eyes.

"I love you Aria, and I need to know if you love me too."

Everything she contained listened to his speech and wanted to complain. She wanted to deny that he missed her. She want to tell him that she didn't believe him. That she didn't think he wanted her. That he didn't feel anything at all in the heart for some reason she had convinced herself he didn't have.

She told herself she would push him away. That she would let him go.

You love me..

It took her about three seconds to process it. To run the words through her mind and click them into place like the pieces of a puzzle.

She had been waiting what felt like a millenium to hear him say that.
It pulled her heart to pieces and as much as it hurt, She .. 

I believe you.

"Carter.. I.."


She couldn't think clear enough to respond. Not in a verbal way, so she tried to let her actions speak in a way that her voice could not.

She grabbed his shirt, next to the beat of his heart and pulled him as close as she could, crushing her lips against his.

...Did she love him too?

More than she could ever say. More and more and more each and every second.

She loved him so much she couldn't formulate the goddamn words.

It was okay, he was kissing her back. He knew she loved him. He had to by now. She didn't need to say it because he knew. She just needed to show him..


Show him in a way that didn't require speech. Just breathing and kissing and touching. And heat. So much heat it would burn them both alive..

Something told her this time, he wasn't going to stop her.

The buttons on his shirt released their hold one by one.She thought she broke one, maybe two. But being careful didn't really seem like that's how this should happen. Being careful led to thinking and if she let him think too much he might change his mind.

And I'm not letting that happen. Not again.
As his shirt fell to the floor, it occurred to her that they were still in the middle of the entryway in Aperille's house.

She pulled away a little, her breath uneven and heavy.

"We should.. Bed. Yes?"

He nodded and she pulled him to Wynter's room, where she had been staying the entirety of her time in Bridgeport. He used his shoe to push the door closed, turning back to her, his hands back on her hips, his lips connecting with hers.


Her pulse skyrocketed. It was insane what a simple pair of lips could do. She couldn't remember feeling this way when anyone else had touched her. It was almost like no one ever had. In this moment she wished no one ever had.


No one except him. Over and over again.


The smooth scratch of the denim on her legs and his hands as they rose from her hips back to her shoulders made her mind spin.

She turned around, feeling his fingers dance along her spine, the fabric leaving her skin. His lips pressed to her neck.. 

She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone in her life.

She had been waiting for this moment for far longer than she would ever care to admit.


She turned back to his face, catching his bottom lip with her teeth and biting down, just a little, just to test his reaction.


Her hands dropped lower, finding the button of his jeans and pulling it apart, the zipper descending afterwards. 


Maybe I should slow down. Take my time. But what if I do and you slip away?


He stepped toward her until the back of her legs hit the bed frame, and then he leaned into her. 


He slipped his fingers into the lace at her hips, sliding it downward. 


Her eyes were blurry with desire, her throat thick with so many words she wished she could say. It was like it always was with him, he had her so caught up in just the touch of his hand that her body only knew how to react, not her mind.


The words got lost in the flurry of movement and skin next to skin.


She tugged the remainder of what he was wearing onto the floor, putting her hands on his shoulders and pulling him against her. His lips connected with hers and her thoughts diffused. The only thing she saw was him. The only thing she could hear was the beat of his heart she had waited so long to call her own. 


She had never been more in love with him in her life than she was in that moment.

She took a step to the side, settling herself onto the sheets and pulling him with her.
The instant they connected completely, her body exploded with electricity. 

There wasn't a name for how she felt. It was a mixture of a thousand things at once.


Every moment. Every kiss. Every single touch and look and frenzied thought that led up to this sort of infinite finality made every moment of pain more than worth it.


21 years..


The fire from the connection burned straight through her and she felt it threaten to erupt.

Her being was so full of him that she was too far beyond rationalization.

There would never be a feeling that compared.

There never had been.

The moments passed with them wrapped up in each other. Lost. Nothing existed aside from the two of them and every second crawled by in lascivious stretches.


They were complete. This was happiness. 


When they were finished, he pulled away from her, just a little, the simple disconnect was almost like losing a piece of herself. Both of their bodies tired and quivering. She wanted nothing more than to kiss him until she couldn't breathe.


She pressed one last kiss to the side of his lips and pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.

It was more than she expected it to be. The feeling that took over everything she was. The way that what had just happened had multiplied that feeling, the one she could never choke out and manipulated it until it was undeniable.

That she loved him.


I would give anything to put the entire thing on repeat and relive it every day until the moment I quit breathing.


She took a deep breath and sat up, his body still irrevocably close to hers, a small smile pulling the corners of her lips upwards.


"Carter,"


She began, placing her hand on top of his.


She had no idea what to say. The only thing playing through her thoughts was 'what happens next'.


"Aria," He said, leaving the ghost of a kiss on her lips, "I love you."

In the haste of everything that had just happened, she almost completely forgot that he had said that. Her mouth instantly went dry and she had no idea what to say. She wanted to tell him she loved him too, but the words were adrift in her chest as the emotions ate away at the carefully constructed wall she had built between him and the way that she felt about him.

The syllables were on the tip of her tongue.
She searched her mind, making sure.

It's time to let you in. I need to tell you, right now, before it's too late.

She reached up and ran the back of one finger from his cheek to his lips, choosing what she said next from the mess of thoughts clouding her head.

"Carter, I'm sorry. For everything."

Her breath caught and It took her a second to continue. Just a second's pause.
She wanted to cry. She just couldn't seem to say what came next.

Her declaration got lost all over again.

"But..." 

He said, confusion in his speech, pulling away from her body. 

"This was a mistake," 

 He got up, quickly pulling his clothes on from their location on the floor.

He moved away so quickly, she barely had time to blink. She could feel the smallest dregs of disorientation making their way into her system.

It took her a moment to register his words.

Mistake... what?

What the fuck even just happened? The confusion blinded her like a tidal wave. She had no idea what she even said that had him reacting like this.. So quickly, like he hadn't just said he loved her not even five minutes before.

The 'I love you' on her lips disappeared in the wash of chagrin that was now drowning her.

"What are you talking about Carter? What did I do?"

She pulled the sheets from the foot of the bed around her, her heart heavy.
This wasn't what was supposed to happen...

"You can't do this, Aria. Stop playing dumb."

His voice was loud, harsh.

Cold.

"Stop using p-"

He cut himself off with a sigh. 

The vexation written in his eyes, all over his face as he looked at her, a small growl coming from his throat as he exited the room, slamming the door behind him.

His words were crushing. She legitimately didn't understand. She sincerely had no idea what she had done. 

And he thought she was playing stupid.

Not that she wasn't guilty of it. Not that she hadn't done it innumerable amounts of times. Especially with him. But not right then.

Not right then...

He didn't even bother finishing his sentence. The door slammed behind him and she was speechless, awash in so many emotions that she couldn't open her fucking mouth. Just like always.

For some reason, she felt like she let him down. Like she wasn't good enough somehow. Like whatever just happened was more of a failure than she had thought it would be..
And she was a mistake. He said it.

Just like she had been worried he would feel..

She slid off of the bed and pulled her clothes on as quickly as she could.

She could feel the tears. Taste the coppery bitterness of panic on her tongue.

She pulled the door open, following him, which was different.. he.. it was usually him following her.

"Carter, where are you going?!"

Her voice cracked. She could feel her walls breaking. Her self control and impassive facade fading away..

She approached him, but he wouldn't look at her, his eyes on his own reflection in the window of his Hummer.

"This was over before it started, Aria." 

He hissed, climbing inside. He slammed th
e door, his eyes everywhere but on her.

"I'm done."

The car fought ignition for a moment before coming to life beneath him. 

He recklessly backed out of the driveway, his tires hitting the pavement and screaming away before she could even comprehend what had just happened. 

Done.

The word echoed In Aria's head. Sinking into her stomach and pushing its way out of her eyes.

Done.. He was done? 
With her? 

After all of this time, it was over. 

Now? 

After this?

What had she just done?


You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you




“The past doesn't exist. There is nothing to be sorry for. Today is when we start to live."