“I could’ve sworn I was telling the truth when I told you I didn’t miss you.”
― pleasefindthis, I Wrote This For You
Nikolas, Salem, Topher
― pleasefindthis, I Wrote This For You
Clark <3
[Baby 92 was a donor baby. Veronica Rapture.]
48 Hours Before
"She is obviously just stupid. Do you see the things that she did? She puts herself in these situations and then expects everyone to pity her. Act like she is a porcelain doll that needs to be glued back together after she is shattered over and over again, and frankly, Dalton, that is NOT my job."
Carter ran a hand through his hair, slamming the door to their cruiser behind him.
"Her father fucking called me because she apparently took a plane to Hidden Springs, left her stuff there and then split. Without a word. She just does whatever she wants without a thought to what she is destroying."
Dalton raised a violet eye, clamping down on his lip with his teeth.
"Yeah, Carter, I hear what you're saying. But I don't believe a goddamn word."
Carter narrowed his eyes.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Dalton shrugged one shoulder, walking towards the door of the precinct.
"It means I have been your partner for 2 years and I have seen the way you talk about her change like a fucking lunar cycle."
He tossed an observant look over his shoulder.
"You've got it bad for her and you KNOW you do. But if pretending that you don't is helping in any way at all, then I will leave it. But,"
He entered the building, Carter following behind him. The glass door slid into place noiselessly behind them.
"Maybe you should tell her. Before she finds someone else."
Carter slammed his set of keys to their car onto the hook inside his locker and groaned loudly.
"No. I did. It didn't matter to her. She's fucking cold to me, Dalton. That's not changing anytime soon. I'm through. When you waste 21 years of your fucking life on one girl, you eventually learn your lesson."
He loosened the button on his shirt, glancing into the mirror that rested in the door of his locker. Those green eyes didn't really seem like they were his anymore. Always glossed over with that harshness he camouflaged himself in.
In a way, he /was/ losing himself. His attempt to escape her was making him someone else.
And, to be quite honest, it was someone he couldn't stand.
He could never be something he didn't regret without her. Not that he would ever admit to it.
16 Hours Before..
Mya tilted her head back, her lips parting slightly, a throaty sound escaping through them. Carter buried his face in the hollow of her neck, tasting there. Her perfume was overwhelming and it was a scent he didn't quite like. Far too different from the lillies he had grown so accustomed to..
He inhaled a little too sharply when the thought of her eyes entered into his mind.
The girl pulled away a little, her purple eyes matching his gaze, but not quite catching the emotion that flitted through them before disappearing again.
"Everything okay, Carter?"
Her voice was low, raspy. Her smile crooked on one side. Freckles dotting her face.
Everything about her was so different from Aria. That was probably one of the reasons he was seeking refuge in the curves she contained, her choppy red hair, her cutting personality.
Because she was almost the opposite of the girl who he...
Who you what? You nothing. Focus, Carter.
He pressed his lips to hers again, forcing his mind into vacuity. Trying to only focus on the thought of lips against lips and skin on skin.
He was insistent, determined. He would not let this childhood obsession do this anymore. When he said he was done, he was done. This girl was another in his line of distractions.
She didn't seem to be doing the trick, however.
She withdrew once again, taking a shaky breath.
"You seem really distracted.. Am I doing something wrong?"
Ha, wrong. No. Not at all.
Carter shook his head wordlessly. His lips almost touching hers again when a distant vibration pulled his attention away. He pushed off of the wall with his palms, running a hand through his hair, smoothing down the places where it had been mussed. He walked to the fireplace, where his phone had been resting for the night.
His eyebrows knitted together at the sight of a number he didn't know. He considered ignoring it, he usually did when it came to unknown numbers, but something had been keeping him from doing so lately.
Not being in contact with Aria had him worried that she would get herself seriously hurt without him around. So every unknown caller was suddenly someone calling to tell him she was caught up in something again.. Or even worse: gone.
Why he still cared confused the fuck out of him, because he shouldn't. He knew he shouldn't. Pretended he didn't.
But of course he fucking did.
He slid his thumb across the cool surface and the line clicked on, the static clearing into silence on the other end.
"Yeah?"
He asked, suddenly devoid of emotion.
"Carter Simon?"
His eyebrows knitted together at the authoratative sound of the voice saying his name. The first thought echoing in his head being that something had happened to her-
"Uh, yeah. This is him."
He responded, refusing to think that that option had to be it. Chastising himself for instantly going there at the same time.
"My name is Alexander Farlin, and I am from the Bridgeport Police Department. We found your father this morning in his home. We need someone to come here and find a place for.. the body. Fill out paperwork. You are the only number listed as-"
Carter cleared his throat, cutting Officer Farlin off mid-sentence. Instead of being upset, he was a mixture of things.. But what surprised him the most, was the relief that flooded his veins.
"I'll be there."
He listened to the rest of the guys directions, finally disconnecting the call and sliding the phone into his back pocket. He glanced over at Mya, who was sitting on his couch, looking concerned and beautiful all at the same time..
But she had absolutely no affect on him aside from one that he could get just about anywhere.
How the fuck long could this go on? It was like he wouldn't allow himself to move on..
He pulled his jacket off the back of the chair next to his couch and slipped it on, putting his feet into the shoes next to the fireplace.
"Look, Mya, you gotta go. I have to be.."
He glanced at her again, putting his wallet and keys into his pockets next.
"Somewhere. But you can't stay here."
She looked taken aback, but quickly stood, her face still echoing those nameless feelings.
She put her heels on and made her way to the door, turning around long enough to meet him as he was about to pass through it too.
She pushed up onto her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek, leaving without a word.
Carter's reaction was distinct as she walked away. He brushed three fingers across where her lips had traced and exhaled softly, wishing it were Aria who had left her mark there.
8 Hours Before...
Hospital coffee was never quite as good as the stuff at the station, but it would do. He drained a styrofoam cup of it and poured another. How the fuck long could this take to view a body and fill out a bunch of papers?
He didn't even want to be here. Didn't want to do this. Made several stops in between Bridgeport General and his house in avoidance of this very thing. It was a three hour drive. He made it in 7.
Now he had an hour to kill. The coroners office didn't open til 8 am and it was a little after 7. Instead of sleeping, he drove all night. Not that he slept much anyway lately.
He slumped into a chair, the vinyl making annoying noises against the denim of his jeans. He pulled out his phone, noticing the battery bar was close to empty. He sighed, almost considering calling Mila, then deciding better of it. It was barely 7 am. She was either still sleeping or taking care of her kids.
His mind filled with grumbles as he put the phone safely back into his pocket where he wouldn't be tempted to do anything else he could classify as reckless or stupid.
The hospital waiting rooms were connected. The one for the morgue and the one for the emergency room. The only thing separating them was a single pane of glass with a fishtank in the middle. It was oddly quiet. Not much noise apart from the occasional gurgles of the filter inside the watery contraption.
His ears perked up however, at the sound of a small, muffled cry. He wasn't one for eavesdropping, generally, but as hard as he could have tried, missing the two voices would have been close to impossible.
In fact.. He recognized one of them.
A man's voice, deep and filled with something close to carefully controlled panic, coincided with a voice he knew very very well.
"She's gonna be fine. Stop that."
Mila's tone rose in anger, choked with tears.
"You have no idea if she is going to be okay, Ephrem. You don't know the stupid shit she has pulled in the past. You guys have been dating for TWO WEEKS. You don't even know her favorite color-"
"Green."
He interjected, sarcasm dripping from his remark.
"Would you just shut the fuck up? You're not even acting like you're worried. Or scared. You're emotionless!"
Mila's voice was shaking with fury, sadness.
"No, I am worried. But I also know that this is Aria, and she's strong. AND she is gonna pull through."
Mila stood, her multicolored hair flashing into Carter's eyes through the glass.
"What if she doesn't wake up, Eph?"
He scoffed, standing next to her, his hands in his pockets, not really sure what to do.
.....Ephrem... Why did that seem so familiar?
Carter thought, not even noticing he had gotten to his feet, almost to the door in his curiosity. He collected himself, taking a deep breath. He was going to go back to his chair, sit down, pretend he hadn't heard any of this.
So Aria had done something else to put herself here. Why should he care. She was always doing something foolish and careless. She hadn't spoken to him in a month. Longer.
And, there was the fact that she had a /boyfriend/ now. She sure moved on fast.
Yeah and like you didn't..
The little voice in his head spat with venom.
No, no. Sex is not the same..
"What the fuck am I even doing arguing with myself?"
He groaned aloud, bitterly.
He realized his mistake a few seconds too late as the heads of both of the people in the room next to his snapped in his direction. Mila's face bounced between several different emotions before settling on anger.
She walked to the door, pushing it open and leaning against the frame, Ephrem came up behind her, raising an eyebrow.
"Why the fuck are you here?"
Ephrem looked at her in confusion, clearly not sure of who exactly Carter was.
"Uh,"
Carter began, but Mila cut him off.
"You're the LAST person she would want to see. I hope you know that. This entire thing is your fault."
Her words were so soaked in contempt, it took Carter a second to brush past it and focus on what she actually said.
"What.. What are you talking about, Mila? I don't even know what happened.. I'm in Bridgeport for a different reason."
Mila scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest in disbelief.
"Okay, yeah. I totally believe you. It's not like you're the one who always shows up when things are falling apart. Wait.. You're not anymore. You left her behind like she didn't even matter."
Ephrem's face clouded with confusion for a second and he stared at Mila, connecting the dots in his head.
"Wait a second," He scaled Carter's form, looking back at Mila.
"Who is he?"
Mila's eyes went cold, flickering her gaze from Carter to Ephrem.
"His name is Carter and he used to be her best friend. Now he's no one."
Ephrem nodded his head a fraction of an inch and blew air through his teeth.
"That's what I thought."
His hands flexed slightly at his sides and his features showed his irascibility.
"Look, man, we have this covered. You can go. I really don't think she wants to see you anyway. Now.. Or ever."
His words were so rife with assuredness, it actually caused Carter to pause. He calculated a response, fighting back an odd feeling in his chest that was telling him that someone else was in the place /he/ should be. The words he wanted to say were just about to leave his lips when a nurse ducked her head into the room, a small, relieved smile dancing across her face.
"Aria's awake."
And Then...
There are two things that can destroy a person thoroughly above all others. One of them is love. The other one is loss. The combination of the two is more than one can usually take. To love someone completely and then have them torn away from you, by either distance or death or simply becoming anesthetized, it's assumably the worst anguish there is.
People have different ways of dealing with this. There isn't one that is better than others in the end. Everyone is just dealing with their own pain. Trying to fix what is broken.
But, perhaps the most seemingly effective way that someone can deal with this, is pretending there was never anything to lose in the first place.
It's nothing but self manipulation. It never works. Putting a band aid on a wound that needs stitches does nothing but leave a scar.
And some people never learn...
~ * ~ * ~
Carter rubbed his forehead with his fingers, a migraine attempting to take up residence there. His back was situated against the cool surface of the wall next to Aria's room. She had been in and out of reality for 8 hours. He hadn't even bothered to try to see her.
God only knew why he hadn't left yet either.
Her voice was broken and she had a few cuts on her face but other than that, she seemed okay from what he could see through the ICU window. The combination of medicine she was on was mostly what was to blame for her loss of consciousness at this point.
Carter still wasn't even sure what happened.. Just that she had already been there an entire night.
He hadn't slept in over 24 hours and he was questioning his own sanity at this point. He didn't feel like he was thinking clearly enough to be around Aria at all. Which was part of the reason he had avoided being at her side.. Yet, he was still at this hospital, the paperwork concerning his father long done..
"I'm going to get some coffee, Mila. You wanna stay here?"
Ephrem's voice echoed from inside that glass encased room and Carter raised an eyebrow. This guy really seemed to care about her. Was he really okay with this challenge and everything it entailed? How many babies did she even have now?
Was it possible that it was over and this guy was her afterwards...
He shook his head, clearing the thoughts. Would it really matter if she was? What good would that do him?
He was done.
He wondered how many times it would take repeating that word to convince himself it was completely true.
Mila's voice shook a little in response, but it was sure in tone.
"No. She just fell asleep again. She will be out for a while. I could use some coffee. I will go with you."
Their footsteps neared the door and Carter sank further into his bad posture assumed position against the wall. They paid him absolutely no mind. As if he didn't matter.
As if he wouldn't.
Aggravated, Carter ruffled the front of his hair with his fingers, groaning quietly. He glanced through the space in the shades covering the glass walls of the Intensive Care Unit room. She looked beautiful in her sleep. She always had. Almost like she was still the same innocent girl as when they were younger.
A million thoughts cascaded through his head at once. Every single feeling pulled him towards going into that room.
What will you accomplish by going in there? She's asleep. Even if you said anything at all she couldn't HEAR you.
Maybe... Maybe that's the point. Maybe that's why I want to..
He glanced back down the hallway towards Ephrem and Mila's retreating forms. When they rounded the corner towards the hospital cafeteria, Carter slipped in the door of Aria's room.
"I'm going to get some coffee, Mila. You wanna stay here?"
Ephrem's voice echoed from inside that glass encased room and Carter raised an eyebrow. This guy really seemed to care about her. Was he really okay with this challenge and everything it entailed? How many babies did she even have now?
Was it possible that it was over and this guy was her afterwards...
He shook his head, clearing the thoughts. Would it really matter if she was? What good would that do him?
He was done.
He wondered how many times it would take repeating that word to convince himself it was completely true.
Mila's voice shook a little in response, but it was sure in tone.
"No. She just fell asleep again. She will be out for a while. I could use some coffee. I will go with you."
Their footsteps neared the door and Carter sank further into his bad posture assumed position against the wall. They paid him absolutely no mind. As if he didn't matter.
As if he wouldn't.
Aggravated, Carter ruffled the front of his hair with his fingers, groaning quietly. He glanced through the space in the shades covering the glass walls of the Intensive Care Unit room. She looked beautiful in her sleep. She always had. Almost like she was still the same innocent girl as when they were younger.
A million thoughts cascaded through his head at once. Every single feeling pulled him towards going into that room.
What will you accomplish by going in there? She's asleep. Even if you said anything at all she couldn't HEAR you.
Maybe... Maybe that's the point. Maybe that's why I want to..
He glanced back down the hallway towards Ephrem and Mila's retreating forms. When they rounded the corner towards the hospital cafeteria, Carter slipped in the door of Aria's room.
The soft click of the heavy hospital door cast solemnity through the room. The soft rising and falling of her chest, the slow beeping of the monitor... Carter sighed. At least she was well.
But was Mila right? Was this his fault for leaving.
/I won't leave again,/ Carter thought to himself. But wasn't that their relationship? Their twisted affair. And even as he thought to himself of never leaving, he knew he would. Or she would.
Maybe not leaving was wrong. Maybe...
Carter sat in the chair a few feet away from Aria's slumbering frame. Like a classic Disney film, with parted lips and perfect princess hair. Her face was white, flawless, her dark eyelashes on her cheeks. Only the IV in her arm, the cuts on her face, the ugly gown gave way to reality.
"It's time to face reality," Carter frowned as the words left his lips. His eyes widened, as though his own voice startled him.
"I am so sorry, Aria," he said, his voice slurring with pain. "For everything I have done. For all the times I leave and come back and leave again. I... won't do that to you anymore." Carter stared out the high window of the hospital room for a few moments, mulling over his words.
"And I will probably always love you." But...
With the glance of a tortured man, Carter stood up, shuffling quickly by her bed and out the door.
"A door," someone once said to him, "in the mind of a human is a sign of finality." The person had gone on to say that is why we often forget things when we pass through them. And that is why, Carter would later conclude, his heart solidified against Aria.
Time to finally forget Aria Eden Rapture.
----
---
Boy, don't you worry.
You'll find yourself.
Follow your heart,
and nothing else.
You can do this,
if you try.
~~~~~
Girl, I told you
After all we’ve been through
I don't wanna be by myself.
Girl, I told you
That it would tear me in two
If I see you with someone else.
Cut out my eyes. And leave me blind.
Nikolas, Topher, Salem.
---
Boy, don't you worry.
You'll find yourself.
Follow your heart,
and nothing else.
You can do this,
if you try.
~~~~~
Girl, I told you
After all we’ve been through
I don't wanna be by myself.
Girl, I told you
That it would tear me in two
If I see you with someone else.
Cut out my eyes. And leave me blind.
