26- Breathe: Part One

[Authors Note: Content Warning. This Chapter is extremely heavy. This is as bad as it gets for Aria. Rock bottom.

and also, this chapter is a bit shorter than usual..]

Demetria and Leilani, Young Adult.

Chyler Rapture.

Kingston Rapture.

Kennedie Rapture

Jayberri wasn't coming into town just yet. 

Aria filled her anxious waiting time with a donor pregnancy. Yeah... she was smart. She was going to continue having babies even though she was going to do pills with her ex. She felt insurmountably guilty. And irrational. Her life no longer made any sense, so why should her actions?

It was twins. Babies 53 and 54. Lawson and Anastaisia.

She met up with Jayberri right after the birth of her babies.

 Every step she took towards his hotel room from her car felt more and more wrong. But she just didn't care. And she had no idea why. Her absence of conscience hadn't worried her for a while. Pretty much the only thing she felt was guilt. And self hatred. She was becoming inattentive to pretty much everything. Except for her growing desire to destroy herself. 

He opened the door as she came to it. He seemed smack dab in the middle of an episode, but Aria couldn't be too sure. His eyes were rimmed with red and his clothes were rumpled. But then again, that could be from the pain pills. It was hard to sleep when you were wired. He looked over her shoulder and grabbed her hand, pulling her inside. 

"Hey, what's the rush Jay? What's wrong?" 

He looked through the crack as he shut the door, locking it with the deadbolt and the lock attached to the doorknob. He turned to look at her, an odd look in his eyes. 

“I just, don’t want anyone to find us. I never get you to myself.” 

His comment made Aria uneasy, spending time with him was not the reason she was here. She was here to forget. At least for one night. 

She put a hand on his shoulder, nodding.

 “It’s okay, Jay. I’m not going anywhere.” 

He sat on the bed, a bottle of prescription pills open on the table next to him. They were spilled everywhere. Aria sighed, brushing past him to clean them up. The quantity on the bottle said 90. There were 29 left. She looked over her shoulder at him as she twisted the lid back on. 

“When did you get these Jay?” 

Concern shone through her voice. 

“Three days ago.” 

He mumbled. 

She was shocked.

 “There are SIXTY ONE pills missing Jay! You did NOT take 61 pills in three days, did you?!” 

Jay just stared at the wall. 

“I threw up seven.” 

He said blankly. Aria sighed, setting the bottle back down softly. 

“Jay, that's 54 pills in three days. Don’t you think that’s a little much?” 

Jayberri shook his head. I’m not even high. I don’t feel a thing.” 

Aria slumped onto the floor, leaning against the end table. She had clutched the bottle on her way down. She opened it, sliding a few tiny pills into her hand. She put them in her mouth, swallowing them dry.

What she had done was either very sad or very stupid. Or both. She wasn’t sure she knew which feeling she was leaning towards the most. She choked back tears that she had no idea she was even trying to cry. They just sat there in silence. Aria felt about a thousand emotions at once as she shut her eyes, a single tear falling down her cheek.

------

They lay on the ground, Jayberri staring at the ceiling, her on her stomach staring at the floor. Aria had been there for three days. She had lost count of how many pills she had taken. and she hadn't slept. But she wasn't sad. At least she didn't feel sad. Which was something new. 

"You still doing that baby challenge thing?" 

Jayberri asked the ceiling. Aria groaned, taking another drink from the water bottle she was holding. 

"I am, I forgot all about that. Funny what this stuff can do to you." 

Jay smirked. 

"I didn't forget. It's hard to forget when your ex becomes a whore." 

Aria choked as she was swallowing. 

"What?" 

He cackled. 

"You're nothing but a crazy whore now. Good thing I got away from that while I still had a chance." 

Aria sat up, staring at him.

 "What the hell is wrong with you Jay?"  

He continued to stare at the ceiling. 

"You heard me Aria."

 She threw a book that had been laying next to her at his head. 

"You are such a loser. You ask me to come here with you and then you start saying these things to me? I forgot why I started ignoring you in the first place apparently." 

She stood up, her eyesight blurring.

 She leaned against the wall, head spinning. 

"Aria the only reason you stopped talking to me was because I slept with Kora. You're still the same scared little girl inside that you were back then. You still push everyone away. You're pathetic. You can't deal with anything."

 Aria's mouth dropped open, so it was more than a kiss? Figured. 

"Where is all of this coming from? We've been hanging out all this time and then you just randomly attack me?"  

Jay sat up, looking at her. 

"I just can't stand all of these games you play." 

Aria was completely confused. They had barely talked about anything the entire time they were together. What GAMES was he talking about? 

"Jay, I didn't do anything." 

Jayberri laughed, laying back on the ground. 

"I should have just given up on you when you freaked over Kora. It didn't matter to you how I felt. You only care about yourself. Sometimes i wish you would just go AWAY." 

Aria went numb. She shut her mouth, grabbing her purse off of the end table. She noticed the bottle of pills next to it, almost empty.

She grabbed them, slipping them in the pocket of her jacket. She hastily walked over to the door. Before leaving she turned around and fixed him with a blank stare. 

"Jayberri, I never want to see you again. Do you understand? I'm through. Whatever this was? Pretend it wasn't." 

He quickly stood, rushing towards the door, mumbling something Aria couldn't understand. She was out it before he crossed the room. 

His shouts echoed across the parking lot as Aria slipped into her car, but she didn't understand a single word.

--------

Aria arrived at Danielle's house almost 3 hours later.

 After a brief stop at the park, where she changed her clothes in the bathroom, She had been driving and driving and the gas gauge on her dashboard was finally flashing red in her face. She looked in the rear view mirror, fixing her makeup. She really didn't want Danielle to worry about her. It was useless at this point. She glanced up at Danielle's house, she saw Chase look out the window and walk off. Presumably to get Danielle. Aria sighed, opening the door. She couldn't believe her best friend was getting married... 

She knocked softly on the door and heard footfalls on  the other side. Danielle opened the door and immediately looked worried.

 "Aria, you look terrible. What's wrong?" 

She grabbed her hand, pulling her inside. 

"Nothing, I'm fine. I actually just came by to drop off the extra set of keys to my house for you." 

She dropped them in a ceramic bowl on the table, next to Danielle's car keys. Danielle looked puzzled. 

"Wait, why? I don't even remember asking for them.." 

She trailed off.

Aria shrugged.

 "Even if you didn't, i feel like it's something you should have." 

Danielle didn't look like she believed her for a second. 

"Aria you have been so weird lately. It's really starting to scare us. Ariana is in the other room, you should come hang out with us. We haven't seen you in weeks." 


Aria's eyes widened. 

"Ariana is here? I- I have to go." 

She turned to go, but Danielle stopped her. 

"Why does it matter if people are here? Mila is too. We just miss you." 

Aria pulled her arm out of Danielle's grip, moving towards the door.

"Danielle, if anything ever happened to me, would you make sure that my kids are taken care of?" 

Aria looked at the floor, not meeting her eyes. 

"What, of course I would. But why would you ask me that?" 

Aria shrugged. 

"Are you okay Aria? You've been so distant. I worry about you. You look like death." 

Danielle touched her shoulder and Aria flinched away. 

"I'm fine. I need to go. I just needed to make sure that I could rely on you." 

She looked at Danielle, her eyes sad. 

"I love you Danielle." 

With a weak smile, she turned around and went out the door, the bottle in her pocket shaking with every step.

---------

Aria took a drink from the small bottle of vodka, crying softly. Everything was just turning into the same thing. Day after day she made mistake after mistake. 

No one knew about Corbin. No one knew how much it hurt just to breathe. She was lost. And empty. Not even her babies made things better anymore. She was stuck in a sucking vortex of pain.

'What am I even doing here anymore? Why am I even trying?' 

She turned the bottle in her fingers like a baton. They clattered, and it almost sounded like music to Aria's ears. She stared at the little pills, her heart aching. It was time. She was done. She was over this life and everything that came with it. She twisted the cap off and spilled them into her hand. 

15 pills. 15  60 mg Oxycontin. She closed her eyes, tipping them into her mouth. Aria tilted her head back, drinking the rest of the bottle as fast as she could. It burned and her heart raced and she just kept going. Every sense was on fire. She was as alone as she had ever been in her entire life. It was minutes before she felt anything. 

She thought maybe she would just pass peacefully on and everything would be over. 

No more pain. No more heartache. 

No Corbin. 

No Levi. 

Nothing to worry about. Nothing to be afraid of. 

No one to hate her. No one to hurt her. No one that she could hurt..

 The tears spilled down her cheeks and her breathing slowed. Her vision doubled, and she fell to her knees, her head in her hands. She thought she heard something from the other room, but she was too cloudy to make any sense of it.

The world spun and Aria clutched her stomach. The pain was ridiculous. The last thing she saw as the ground rose up to meet her was  the empty bottle of pills, cold and lonely on the floor.

25- Lovesick

Demetria, child.

Leilani, child.

Kennedie Rapture. Baby 50.

Levi opened the door, looking at Aria blankly.

 "What are you doing here?" She held the box tightly in her hands. She hadn't let it go since he threw it at her, not knowing quite what to do with it. He sighed, standing aside so Aria could enter. She turned around, holding the box out like an offering.

 "What am I supposed to do with this?" Her voice cracked. 

He stared at it. "Whatever you want. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I don't even care enough to take it back. I just don't want it anymore.” 

Aria’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding right? You bought this for me? What were you going to do with it?” Levi looked annoyed. “Stop playing stupid Aria, you know damn well what I was going to do with it.” Aria looked down at the ring. 

“But.. Why. You have a girlfriend. You moved on. We were over.”

He moved away, and she followed him.

Levi shook his head. “I broke up with Reign the night you came to my apartment. Which is what i was trying to tell you when Dylan interrupted me.” he looked out the window, staring at the rain. “I was going to ask you to marry me today. Because it was raining. And I know you love the rain..” 

Aria exploded. 

“And now you’re just over it? Over us?” Levi nodded, still staring outside. 

“You had a baby. With my brother.”

"You can't do this to me. You can't corner me and find out I made a mistake and just give up! I didn't even know there was any hope for us. Levi you were with Reign! How was I supposed to know that you still cared about me?" Aria was in tears now, her heart racing. 

Levi scoffed. "I kissed you Aria. While I was with Reign. I might care about her, but she's not you. No one can compare to how I feel about you. Why is it that you can never figure that out?" 

Aria shook her head. "Levi, I didn't know."

"You never do! That's always the problem. You don't know what you want. I doubt you ever will." 

Aria was speechless, still crying. She couldn't believe this. She could have had Levi. She could have had everything she always wanted. But now, he didn't want her. Because she kept making mistake after mistake. She felt like the love of her life was literally slipping through her hands.

"But, I love you, Levi. I love you."

 Levi looked away, sighing. "I used to love you too. I don't know how I could be with you now, though. I can't even look at you the same." Aria was hysterical. "Don't say that! You can't mean that!" Levi shook his head, pointing at the door. "Just go Aria. I can't be around you right now." Aria looked at the door, her heart breaking.

 "Levi-" 

"Just go. Please."

"L, you can't be serious. I would give anything to be with you. To be happy. You mean everything to me." Levi scoffed, gently pushing her towards the door. "Obviously I didn't. I'm tired of this game Aria. I can't do this anymore. You drive me insane. I am always worrying, always upset. I should have given up on you when you didn't believe that Sparrow used me." 

He opened the door, looking at the floor. "This is me giving up. For good."

Aria choked on her tears, wanting to say something, anything, to change his mind. But something told her that nothing would. She walked out the door and turned to say one last thing, but Levi slammed the door in her face. She stood there a moment, stunned.

"What am I supposed to do?" She whispered. 

She noticed she was still carrying the ring in her pocket. Dying inside, she sat the little blue box on his doorstep and walked away. 

----

Phoebe and Echo, YA.

---

"Cheer up, sweetie. We're gonna have FUN tonight!" Kimari applied the makeup brush to Aria's eye again, finishing up her work. "I'm trying, K. I really am. This just sucks. I feel so empty. I dont know what to do with myself." Kimari sighed, hugging her. 

"I know what you are going to do tonight. You, Eli, Ariel and I are going to get drunk as hell and meet this band. It will be fun, I promise. You need a night out." 

Aria nodded, not quite believing her. She ached all over and her heart felt like it was going to explode.

She could hear Ariel and Eli giggling from the next room. 

She assumed that they had more than likely already started drinking. Aria took one last look in the mirror. She was beginning to hate how she looked. She was beginning to hate everything about herself. Nothing was helping. She felt like her life had just become the same miserable thing constantly on repeat. She followed the girls to the door, they were slightly tipsy, playing around.  Being silly.  

Aria stood alone, Trying to muster up some excitement. And failing.

 "Sometimes I wish I was dead." She mumbled to herself, exiting the house.

-------

The night passed in a blur of bright lights, loud music  and alcohol. 


Aria found herself back at the hotel with the girls AND the band. She couldn't even remember getting there. She was so drunk the entire room was lopsided. Kimari was being seduced by the guitarist, Eli and Ariel were off God knows where.

Aria was sitting on the bed next to Kimari and she was pretty sure the guy Kimari was all over had said his name was Elesky. Aria grabbed the bottle of whiskey off of the end table and drank straight from it.

 "Kimari," she mumbled. She looked over at her, expression clouded. "Mmm?" She managed, turning her attention back to the guy she was sitting on. "Kimari, I want to go home," Aria thought she had said it loudly, but it came out as barely a whisper. Kimari didn't seem to hear her, but Elesky did.


She noticed through her blurry vision that there were assorted drugs next to it. Including needles. Her skin crawled. Where were they?

"Hey baby, there is always room for more." Aria shook her head, her mouth dry. She took another drink. "Aww, don't be that way." 

He held a hand out to her. "Come here baby. Let's have some fun." Aria hesitated. Her intuition told her not to. Some skeevy guy in a random band. She looked at Kimari, her drunk smile plastered on her face. 

She had nothing left, why not? 

Aria had completely lost her mind. 

--------------

Aria dizzily stared at the wall. 

Last night was such a blur. Just like the past few weeks in general. She.. assumed that something happened with Elesky and Kimari. But she was so drunk the last thing she remembered was making out with Kimari when they had gotten there. She just kept making the most ridiculous choices. She was such a slut.

 "Come on baby doll, we're heading out." Kimari called, grabbing Aria's cell phone and tossing it to her.

Kimari had her hand on the doorknob when they heard a knock. Aria's pulse quickened. "Riverview Police Department. Open up." 

Aria's mouth went dry. She glanced over at the end table where the band had an assortment of illegal things. She sighed. Of COURSE this would happen. At least she hadn't done anything. 

Kimari opened the door with a smile and Aria groaned. 

Carter. 

OF FUCKING COURSE. 

His eyes widened when he saw her. Then he rolled them, muttering something under his breath. His partner brushed past him, walking over to the other people in the room. Carter glanced around the room and then looked back at Aria, raising an eyebrow. 

Aria felt Elesky brush up next to her. He rubbed her cheek with his thumb.

 "I had fun last night baby girl, we should do it again sometime." Aria nervously looked at the ground. She couldn't even remember last night. 

Carter groaned and  grabbed Aria by the arm and pulled her out the door adjacent to the parking lot. "Tell me you're joking? Aria, no fucking way."

Aria bit her lip. 

"You seriously hooked up with some random guitarist in a band? What are you a fucking groupie now? What the hell is wrong with you?" Carter put his head in his hands. "I could have arrested you. ONCE AGAIN, Aria. There was cocaine, ecstasy, and heroin in there. I could have easily taken you to jail." Aria's mouth dropped open.

 "I didn't do anything like that!" She exclaimed, shocked. Carter sighed, "Technically it was in your possession." 

He was silent for a minute and then he slammed his fist into the wall.

 "Why is it that you can't just stop? You have a million children and you are still acting like a child yourself. I'm sick of babysitting you. The guys at the precinct make fun of me as it is." 

Aria couldn't help herself; she giggled. "It's not funny Aria!" he said, forcefully. He moved closer to her. "I seriously just don't understand you. You're not who you used to be. You're not the Aria I grew up with. I don't feel like I even know you anymore." Aria scoffed. "You DON'T know me anymore."

Carter shook his head, defeated. 

"You're right. I don't. I haven't in a long time. You keep assuming I will just keep coming back and doing this over and over Aria. But I won't." 

Carter slumped against the wall, his face morose. "You keep testing my friendship. And my capabilities to deal with this shit. Aria I care about you, but you're starting to drive me insane." Aria's stomach clenched. There was that word again. Everyone says I am driving them insane. I don't even know why I try anymore. Maybe it would be better if I wasn't aro-'

"Aria, are you okay?" Kimari's voice came from over her shoulder.

 Aria looked up at her and shot her a weak smile.

 "I'm okay. I'll be along in a minute." Carter scoffed. 

"No. She won't. I'm taking her home." Kimari gave him a dirty look and seemed as if she was about to say something, but kept her mouth shut. "Okay, Aria. But please, call me when you get home." She glared at Carter once again and walked back into the hotel.

"You're not my guardian Carter," Aria mumbled, embarrassed.

 He looked at her, his expression unreadable, "Sometimes I feel like I am." 

She looked away. She hated the way his eyes seemed like knew everything she held inside. They always had.

 "Well, you're not. We're just friends. We will never be as close as we used to be because you hate everything about my life. Everything I do. Who I am," 

He shook his head. "You don't know anything Aria."

Aria just sighed. "So what do you want me to do? Beg you not to give up on me? It kind of seems like that happened a long time ago."

 Carter's eyes flashed, "I haven't given up on you."

 She crossed her arms over her chest.

 "I don't believe you."

He huffed, pointing out at the street where his car was parked. Aria was surprised to see it was his Hummer and not the cruiser. 

"You know, " Aria stated, allowing herself to be dragged towards it, "That car is bad for the environment. You should invest in a new one."

Carter just shook his head, unlocking it.

------

Aria gave birth to Elesky's babies before she knew it.

Babies 51 and 52, different gendered twins, Chyler and Kingston.

Demetria, teen.

Leilani, teen.

Kennedie, child.

-- 

She now had 52 children. And yet, she felt like she had no one. She felt like there wasn't one person that truly cared about her. She couldn't shake the dark cloud that had settled over her head so long ago. It felt like one more thing could happen and she would snap. Life had become completely overwhelming.

Aria stared at her phone, scrolling through the names.

 So many people she wished she could talk to. Mila, Danielle, Ariana, Willow, Carter, Levi, Kimari, Eli, Ariel. But her problems and feelings seemed so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  She heard the baby cry from the other room.

 She sighed, deciding she should probably attend to their needs. She was about to put her phone down when it rang. She stared at the caller ID and her stomach flipped.

Jayberri. Really?

She answered.

 "Hey Aria, I was wondering. Do you want to hang out? I got some of that stuff you used to love.." He trailed off, not saying what it was. 

Aria's mouth dropped open. Was he seriously asking if she wanted to hang out with him and do drugs? 

'Aria don't be an idiot. You haven't touched anything in years. You're a mother now.' 

With a sigh she pushed her conscience aside.

 "When?"

Hey, she was already on a roll. Why not?

~